Step 1: Pick out some absolutely adorable knitting needles.
Step 2: Knitting is really just two stitches--knit and purl--which are the opposite of one another, like integrals and derivatives in calculus. So to start out we're going to multiply X by the power of your yarn. Got it? Good.
Step 3: Now we're going to learn to "cast on." Make some loopy bits around your needle.
Step 4: Next we will learn to cable. This requires another needle and three or four more pairs of hands.
Step 5: Knit, purl, knit, knit, purl... oh you get the idea. Now cast off!
APRIL FOOLS!
I have absolutely no idea how to knit.
If you're still stuck on Step 1 like me, hit the jump for some undeniably awesome knitting needles.